Finding balance between Epicureanism & Stoicism
My father is a Stoic and my mother is 75% Stoic (minus the virtue of wisdom). I grew up in a household where the 4 virtues of Stoicism — a) wisdom b) temperance c) justice & d) courage were ingrained in me. I remember my parents often saying, “What others do is not in your control and shouldn’t affect you. However, you need to keep doing what is right and the only way to do that is by facing your fears”.
Life was great, I believed living by these 4 virtues was the only way to live. And then I landed in Germany and spent about 2 odd years in Mannheim, a small city about 60km from Frankfurt. I noticed that people found time for themselves, that there was an element of “I” in their lives, whereas “I” was completely missing from my parents’ lives. I noticed that a lot of them found a balance between seeking pleasure and living by virtues. They were a lot happier than the folks I knew back at home.
Here’s a decision tree about how I imbibe the 2 philosophies in my life-
I will be taking an example from my life and trying to walk you through how I think about these “unpleasant” events.
Example 1- One of my relatives reacted a certain way which was very disrespectful.
PART 1- CONTROLLING MY REACTION
I asked myself if the event was in my control. It clearly wasn’t because I couldn’t shut his mouth or change the way he felt. He felt what he felt and he said what he had to. That was stimulus. My response could have been- a) yell back (react and give back) b) stay indifferent & let it go thinking he’s naive c) explain my position & hope for the best. I chose option c because he mattered to the people I love and one of my virtues is to care about people. So yes, I controlled my reaction and responded well.
PART 2- FREEING MYSELF FROM BITTERNESS
This is the part that gets interesting. Taming your feelings such that you don’t harbour bitterness. Bitterness for others, circumstances, etc = Harming your own self.
This is where I struggle & where I’m failing at — being normal/ indifferent to such people. There is no point of responding well and carrying bitterness in your heart! The way to tackle this is to understand that nothing has intrinsic value- nothing is good or bad. One of Seneca’s lines helps me deal with this — “We suffer more from our imagination than reality.” Reinforcing this will probably help in freeing oneself from bitterness. Also, my husband introduced me to Hanlon Razor’s principle- “Don’t attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity”.
In summary, a balance between Epicureanism & Stoicism is the secret to living a happy life. The first battle to fight is knowing which philosophy to choose when. Second is learning to respond and not react and the third is to free yourself from bitterness (choose indifference) by fundamentally believing that nothing is good or bad.
Please note: This is hard. Deliberate practice helps. A daily journal helps in reflection & reinforcement pushing you to handle situations gracefully.